How to save your sanity while in isolation...

I know, I know, it's been forever since I wrote anything here. What can I say? I got inspired by everyone posting they couldn't tell the days apart anymore and wanted to share the system I came up with. It's one way I can help. Or at least that's how I'm choosing to look at it. Please take any part of this that helps. Drop what doesn't. Adjust as needed. Just take care of yourself. You need it now more than ever. So here it goes...

(Me and my Social Distance Twin Day twin in shirts that both say: I need my space.) So the first week I was home, I realized I was going to have a problem. The days were already blurring together. I was checking the day on my phone multiple times a day and it bothered me. Then I came across this on Facebook:

I was inspired and decided to take it even further. That's when I came up with my system. Each day has its theme, a loved activity, an exercise, some form of selfcare, chores, and a dinner theme. It would be super easy to adapt to other things you'd like to do instead. You can interpret the themes to whatever degree you want. Disney Day could be anything from just drinking coffee out of a mug with a character on it, to watching a movie marathon if you have the time. (Many of us have the time right now, I think.) The point is to give you things to look forward to, ways to distinguish between the days easily, and easy ways to make decisions you may already be tired of making, while making sure that your needs are being met. Taking care of everything is hard enough on its own without adding the group trauma all of us are dealing with from the Covid-19 outbreak and resulting Shelter at Home orders many of us are under. So here's my example with comments:

I really hope this is helpful to anyone who needs it. Take care, guys.

Even Broken Things Can Be Beautiful

Everyone feels broken at one time in their life or another. Many people feel that way their whole lives. We have heartaches and loses and traumas that seem to take over our lives, steal our happiness. We begin to live our lives waiting for the next hurt, instead of the next joy. We start to wonder if we deserved what happened and perhaps we even blame ourselves. We begin to feel there is something wrong with us, that we are broken by the things that have happened . To some degree, that may be true. But that’s only part of the process of becoming whole. Even broken things can be beautiful.

Some of the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen are stained glass windows in churches and Tiffany lamps. But what are they made of? Broken pieces of glass. These pieces are put together with strips of lead in beautiful patterns, often to make pictures. These pictures tell a story. Just like your soul. Yes, these scraps of glass in a multitude of colors can be beautiful on their own, but when they are reconnected they have even more beauty. They can convey a message of hope or love or tell a story of triumph or simply share the joy of their own beauty. Even broken glass can be beautiful.

But I am not broken glass, you say. I am a broken person, a broken soul. And I say even broken you can still be beautiful. You are just like that broken glass. You are a mixture of light and dark colors. Your smile, your laugh, your tears, your heartache, even your anger are like the different colors of glass that make up the whole picture. These pictures require all of the colors to tell the story, even the dark ones. Without them, they are not whole. It is only through embracing ourselves fully that our soul can be whole. It is up to you how to put the pieces back together, what story your soul will tell. The pieces of glass, like the pieces of your soul, are held together with lead. What we must discover then is what is our lead? With what can we hold our pieces together?

The first thing I will suggest is love. Love for yourself and for others. Not the kind of love based on naivety, that trusts blindly, but the kind that sees clearly and loves anyway. I’m not saying trust everyone or let them take advantage of you or even turn the other cheek. Part of this love is recognizing when someone or a situation is toxic to you and taking reasonable action to protect yourself and those you love. But this can be done while still having love for the person harming you. It doesn’t mean you won’t feel hurt or angry or scared, but you cannot act from this place without harming yourself, too. The kind of love you need is steeped in honesty, that recognizes your own responsibility for where you are and who you are, how these things have shaped you. The kind of love that exists, not in spite of brokeness, but because of it. Even broken souls can be beautiful.

A wonderful example of this kind of love is kintsugi, the ancient Japanese art of mending broken pottery with gold, silver, or platinum. You may have seen the meme these beautiful pieces of pottery have inspired on the internet already. The cracks are highlighted instead of hidden. The philosophy behind this is that just because something is broken doesn’t mean it is useless. Even better, it is believed that the history of the object is so important and makes the piece what it is, so it must be highlighted and is beautiful because of its history. The pottery is considered more beautiful after it’s gone through this process. After the art form’s birth it became so popular that many people were said to break pottery on purpose just so it could undergo this transformation. Today, art galleries put them on display, including the Smithsonian. And for what are these pieces cherished? Their imperfections. Their brokenness. You are just like the broken pottery. What will be your gold?

The thing that struck me most about kintsugi was the gratitude and celebration of the imperfections and brokeness. Make gratitude your gold. Search through your life for things for which you are grateful. Search within yourself for the attributes for which you are grateful. Whether it be kindness, honesty, tenacity, what have you, find reasons to love yourself and ways to be grateful for who you are. Find these things in others, too. I don’t believe everything happens for a reason, but that everything CAN happen for a reason. If you’ve been hurt by someone, be grateful for the lesson you can find in it. I promise there is one if you look hard enough. Give those painful experiences and hurtful people a meaning. Learn from it. Grow from it. You get to decide what the meaning is. Be grateful for that meaning. Make it your gold. Even broken pottery can be beautiful.

You may be thinking this is all great in theory, but what do I do with this now. A butterfly goes through four stages in its life: egg, caterpillar, pupa, and butterfly. In the egg stage the larvae form and emerge. The caterpillar stage is when they feed themselves in preparation for the pupa stage. The pupa stage is when they transform into butterflies. In the butterfly stage they create more life by laying eggs and pollinating. Most of you already knew that, but there are some things about some of the stages that you may not. During the caterpillar stage, a caterpillar will shed its skin four to five times and can grow to 100 times its original size. The pupa stage, during which the metamorphosis is occurring within the cocoon, can last anywhere from a few weeks to two years, depending on the species. The cells that become the legs, wings and other parts of the adult body are present in the caterpillar stage and the cells that make up the caterpillar body are used as energy in the transformation.

We are like the butterfly in so many ways. Like the caterpillar already possessing the cells that will become its new form, we emerge into this world with everything we need, we just have to wait until we are able to use some of it. Before we are ready to truly transform ourselves we must grow and shed our skin, or outworn ideas, identities, and emotions, many times until we are big enough and strong enough to handle it. After we transform into our butterfly selves, we create beauty in our environments by radiating it from within. So what can we learn from the butterfly? The first lesson I took is from the caterpillar stage. Feed your soul. Do something creative. Spend time with a child. Spend time with an animal. Go hiking or kayaking. Just get outside! Feel the rain on your skin. Write. Sing. Dance. Do the things that make you happy. Laugh. Revel in giving love. Give time to worthy causes. Be polite, even if you don’t feel like it or you think someone doesn’t deserve it. These are the things that will heal you and make you strong enough for a real transformation.

The pupa stage taught me that you have what you need to get through the tough spots in life, when all you want to do is close yourself up and be alone. It taught me that it’s ok to close yourself and be alone when you need it. It taught me you can use your past instead of being consumed by it. Another thing the pupa stage teaches is that each person should transform in their own time and it’s not a race, some transformations just take longer than others.

The butterfly stage really got me thinking about creating new life. There are so many ways we can do this. Once we’re transformed and coming from a place of love, we can spread this love, just as the butterfly spreads pollen. Sometimes just one simple act of kindness can make someone’s bad day better. Sometimes just a simple acknowledgement through a smile from a stranger can make someone feel like they matter. We can create warm environments for our loved ones where they know they will be accepted and loved as they are. Sometimes people don’t have a safe space like that. Sometimes the one you provide is the only one they have. More literally speaking, we can create music and art and dance and many, many other things to share our love and joy with the world and touch other souls.

If you’re still stuck in the caterpillar stage, continue feeding your soul and growing. If you feel stuck in the pupa stage, remember to use what you have, you are enough, and be patient. And if you have already become a butterfly, spread your love and share your journey. Be a butterfly. We all go through hard times. We all feel damaged and useless at times. We all have parts of ourselves we don’t feel deserve love. It is through accepting these parts of ourselves, embracing and celebrating them, that we become whole and can share our beautiful broken souls with the world. Broken glass can be beautiful. Broken pottery can be beautiful. Even broken souls can be beautiful.

Halloween on the Cheap

Lesson #1: Thrift Stores are your Friend!
Not only can you put together some awesome costumes this way, but you can find decorations, too. You just have to take the time to hunt through things and be creative. You could buy an outfit to stuff and make a scarecrow for your front porch. You can normally find some actual Halloween decorations as well. I've never found a shortage of candle holders at a thrift store. If you got some black spray paint, you could make them spooky looking.

Lesson #2: Remnant Fabric is also your Friend!
Go to any fabric store about half way through the season and you will find remnants from rolls of Halloween or Autumn prints of fabric that are too small to sell at full price. You do not have to know how to sew, just get some double sided tape or fabric glue to fix the edges. With this fabric you can give your home a very Halloweeyn feel for pretty cheap. Drape it over your end tables or coffee table. Add your candles and candle holders and you have an awesome little Halloween scene. If you can find some of the more lacey Halloween fabric, you can drape it over lamps to give it more of a spooky feel.

Lesson #3: Buy the cheaper decorations!
For example, the fake spider webs or the little plastic bag ghosts you stuff and hang. You can typically get candles for pretty cheap, too. There are tons of other little things like this you can find, you just have to look around. This brings me to my next lesson...

Lesson #4: Shop Around!
Compare prices at different stores on similar items. That string of lights might be $10 at Target, but $7 at Walgreen's. You never know who will have a better price and when you're pinching pennies like I am, even a dollar can make a difference. I've found some amazing prices at drug stores. Micheal's Craft Store is awesome as well. Party city is good for some things, but not others and it depends on the year for what they're good for. Grocery stores can be surprisingly cheap with their seasonal decorations as well. The great thing is, in this digital age, that you don't have to leave your computer to compare most of the stores!

Lesson #5: Borrow from nature!
Of course you're thinking pumpkins. You have the traditional Jack-O-Lantern. Plus, the little ones are fairly cheap and are awesome to bring a touch of Autumn to any space. Gourds are good too. But let's take it further.

What about leaves? Collect some pretty Autumn leaves. Melt some paraffin wax (you can get it fairly cheap at a craft store, but also look in the canning section at the grocery store) in a double boiler (use two different sized pots if you need to). Dip the leaves in the wax to coat and let them dry on wax paper. Once they're dry you can display them in a glass jar (large pickle jars are good). Just paint the lid and tie an Autumny ribbon around the neck.

Another idea is to find a really cool tree branch with lots of branches coming off of it (preferably on the ground all ready-no need to steal it if the tree's still using it). Spray paint it black and stick it in a planter or bucket of some sort. If you can, cement it in. Otherwise use Styrofoam or floral arrangement foam to make it sturdy. Decorate the bucket or planter however you like. Get a small string of Halloween lights and hang them in your tree. Buy or make tiny decorations and hang them on the branches. You can also take small amounts of the fake spider web and drape it through the branches as well.

Lesson #6: If all else fails, Make It Yourself!
Black fuzzy craft balls+small googley eyes+black pipe cleaners+glue gun=spiders

Scissors+glue+(orange/black/white)poster board+(orange/black/white)glitter=(pumpkin/witch hat/ghost) cut out decorations (attach them to ribbon and you have a garland)

You can use other cut out ideas too, like bats or whatever you want. I find my templates on various free coloring pages online. Just search "free coloring pages+witch hat" or whatever image you're wanting to find and you shouldn't have any trouble finding a good one. Also, you don't have to use glitter unless you want to. I just love the sparkle.

Lesson #7: Shop after Halloween to pick up items for next year!
There still tends to be quite a bit left over once the holiday has gone by. Last year I noticed Target had pretty much taken it all down and moved it to clearance before Halloween had even come! The longer you wait, the cheaper it will be.

Lesson #8: Use Obvious Storage!
The wonderful things you've made and the things you've bought on clearance for next year won't do you any good if you can't find them or they get torn up because they weren't stored properly. I've found the black and orange Rubbermaid style tubs to be the best. It's easier than labeling them and having to search among all the same colored tubs. You look in the closet, garage, attic, or wherever you store your decorations and you see them instantly. Major time saver! Yes, I use the red and green ones for Christmas, too!

Lesson #9: Food
If you're hosting a party, this is the part that can really hit you in the wallet!

The first thing you need is cookie cutters! If you look hard enough, you should be able to find them for about a dollar a piece. Micheal's is a good place to look. A pumpkin and a leaf are fine. Get orange jello and some sort of red flavor and lemon if they have it. Follow the directions to make jigglers and cut out pumpkins and leaves from the orange and just leaves from the red and lemon. Display on a plate and there you go, festive and yummy and cheap! You can also use the cookie cutters to make sugar cookies and use sprinkles in the colors previously mentioned.

Mummy wraps are good, too. Get hot dogs and refrigerated bread stick dough in a tube. Stretch the bread sticks longways and wrap the dough around the hot dogs and bake for about 12 minutes at 375 degrees. You can even use a small amount of mustard to put faces on the hot dogs! This is great for kids' parties.

It doesn't all have to be themed food. Here's a great recipe for people with crock pots. Get a large block of Velveta cheese. Cut it into cubes and put in the crock pot to melt. While that's melting, take a pound of ground beef and brown it on the stove. Make sure you drain it before you add it to the cheese. Once things are getting gooey, add a large jar of your choice of salsa and stir. Serve with tortilla chips. It's SO good. I always get complements on it.

Now you need a drink. My favorite is to take half a container of rainbow sherbet and a bottle of ginger ale and mix them together. Don't forget to use a vinyl glove to make an ice hand to float in the punch!

You can also slice up apples for dipping in caramel. Use lemon juice to keep them from turning brown. Also, set out a bowl of candy corn. You can also just put out a bowl of random candy. Okay, I'm making myself hungry now. ;)

So there you go, Mari's Halloween on the Cheap. Happy Haunting!

Thoughts on Splenda and Toddlers

So I know the FDA says it's safe for everyone. I also know there have not been any real studies on long term effects. There are many reasons I don't want my child to consume Splenda.

The first is that it's part chlorine. Yuk! I don't care if some food we consume contains chlorine. Those are naturally occurring and don't worry me so much. Many people filter their water to avoid drinking chlorine. I do. Sucralose (aka Splenda) is not natural. Most people suggest using it to cut down on how much sugar your child is getting. I say, Why not just cut down on how much sugar you child is getting and not substitute it with artificial sweet things? It is our responsibility as parents to control what goes into their bodies, especially when they're toddlers. So take the power back. Put your foot down. Don't give into their whining. After about a month they'll let it go, because new better habits will have been formed. There's nothing wrong with an occasional treat, but not every day. Give them sweets in the form of fruit. Don't give them juice (except prune juice when they're constipated), give them water and you don't have to worry about all the extra sugar added to the juice.

Ok, my second reason is that toddlers NEED calories to grow. If you're giving them sucralose they aren't getting the calories they need from the sugar they would have been getting. A little bit of sugar is not going to hurt them, especially if it's organic. It's even better if it's local honey. Sucralose is actually way sweeter than sugar, so it ruins their taste buds for the more natural variations of sweet, like fruit. There are rewards to eating natural sweets, like vitamins and regular bowel movements and hydration. Sucralose does not offer any of these perks.

My last major complaint is that if you're having to use sucralose to substitute for all the sugar you would be eating, you're teaching your child REALLY BAD eating habits that they will carry into adulthood. There's no guarantee they will continue to substitute the sugar, which means they will probably still wind up diabetic. Toddlers especially need to be given nutritious, healthy, natural food that is not loaded down with sugar, salt, and preservatives. Humans learn more in the first five years of life than in the rest of their life combined. The eating habits that are established during that time will follow them throughout their lives. If you don't get them accustomed to eating crap at that point, they're less likely to want it later. The main problem here is the 'do as I say, not as I do' issue. My solution, cut back on YOUR sweets and consume the rest of them out of the child's sight. As they get older, you can teach them moderation and self-control.

So you probably think I'm some sort of Nazi now. I don't think I'm being unreasonable. BUT if you can't give up the sweets and you feel you must substitute something for the sugar, try stevia. It's a plant. It's on the market under the brand name Truvia. It's not artificial at all. It's not going to cause all the problems you hear about with the various artificial sweeteners like headaches and diarrhea.

What it really boils down to is, as parents we set examples of what is right and normal, of what is expected from our children. If we show them it's okay to eat super sugary food and drink super sugary drinks all the time, that's what they will do. Toddlers can't tell the difference between Splenda sweetened things and sugar sweetened things, they just know they're sweet. The lesson they will take away from being given Splenda sweetened food is that it is okay to consume lots of sweets, not that you shouldn't eat lots of sugar.

Society's Push for Infant and Toddler Independence

We rush around in our society from one activity to the next, barely stopping to breathe. As we have children, we pull them into this same rushing pattern whether we want to or not. With so many families where both parents must work, most children go to daycare by the time they're 6 weeks and spend most of their time with relative strangers. For those of us lucky enough to have friends or family nearby with free time, our children at least have a consistent caregiver. (I promise it's not as consistent as you think it is in a daycare.) This has become the norm, for babies to be separated from their mother for most of the waking hours of the day. Our society pushes infants and toddlers to be comfortable with this. I have to wonder if this is really healthy for the child or the mother.

I'm not saying some time apart is bad. I'm also not saying a mother who must work should feel bad for leaving her child. She's doing what she has to in order to provide for her child. I applaud her. I luckily did not have to leave my 6 week old newborn in a daycare center or with a friend or family member to rush back to work. In fact, I've been so lucky, that until this past month I haven't had to leave her for more than a few hours at a time and she's almost 20 months now. I can only imagine how difficult it must be to do that and know you have no choice.

My point is that for centuries before the Industrial Revolution most babies stayed with their mothers. Period. The strong bond that forms between a mother and her child is the root of the child's self confidence. This is where we get our first feedback about our value as a human being. I'm not saying it isn't possible to still foster a strong bond and instill self confidence, but it must make our job as mothers so much more difficult if we are away from our children most of the day and exhausted from work and still have oodles to accomplish in the form of housework and bill paying. I think most mothers would agree that being a mother is our first job, but sometimes in order to do that job, we must first tend to our other responsibilities.

When I think about this so many questions run through my head. What if we're supposed to be with our mothers for the first few years without too much interruption? What if generations of us are slightly less confident because of the pressure our mothers felt to work caused them to separate from us. Within the past almost two years of being a parent I've heard this separation framed as being good for the child because it fosters independence. But I know that my child feels secure because I'm around consistently. What if all our insecurities are rooted in our early separation from our mothers?

The truth is, all these "what ifs" just lead to anxiety attacks and mommy guilt. The way I see it is, if you have to work then all you can do is make sure the time you do have with your child is quality time. Even if it's only 30 minutes to get them fed and to bed. Turn off the TV and talk to your child. Read to them. Do the best you can to make even a small portion of your day solely about them and let them know they are special to you. These daily reassurances are what build their self-esteem, especially when they come from you. Remember, you're awesome until they're preteens! Then you're an embarrassment. ;) So take advantage while you're cool and your opinion really matters to let them know you think they're cool, too.

Family Planning

I was discussing with a good friend the dilemma of planning when to have children the other day. He said he and his wife had concluded that there really is no good time to have children. I have to agree. The truth is, children completely disrupt your life, even just one. I'm not saying it's not totally worth it, but there are sacrifices that must be made whether you're wealthy or not. You have to realize that many of the things you thought were important will not seem so important after your baby arrives and you will let them fall to the wayside.

I've also noticed that even when people think they're in a good position to have a child, once the baby is in the belly something happens that throws that whole "being ready" and "good timing" thing right out the window. My point is, whether the child is planned in good circumstances or a surprise with not so great timing, you adapt. Families come together and help, or friends do. It might suck to have to swallow your pride and accept the help, but once you're a parent you realize you'll do anything for your child, including swallowing your pride.

I'm not saying that everyone out there should just go to having babies. There is something to be said for being emotionally ready and financially stable before bringing new life into the world. That said, I don't think anyone can be completely ready, because you don't know what you're getting into until it happens. Being a parent is something you can't truly understand from the outside.

So if you're planning on having kids, strive for financial stability, being an appropriate age (definitely out of your teens), and emotional readiness and do it when it feels right. It's totally worth it. If you wait til everything's perfect, you probably won't be having kids.

Image taken by Mandi Cook.