Society's Push for Infant and Toddler Independence

We rush around in our society from one activity to the next, barely stopping to breathe. As we have children, we pull them into this same rushing pattern whether we want to or not. With so many families where both parents must work, most children go to daycare by the time they're 6 weeks and spend most of their time with relative strangers. For those of us lucky enough to have friends or family nearby with free time, our children at least have a consistent caregiver. (I promise it's not as consistent as you think it is in a daycare.) This has become the norm, for babies to be separated from their mother for most of the waking hours of the day. Our society pushes infants and toddlers to be comfortable with this. I have to wonder if this is really healthy for the child or the mother.

I'm not saying some time apart is bad. I'm also not saying a mother who must work should feel bad for leaving her child. She's doing what she has to in order to provide for her child. I applaud her. I luckily did not have to leave my 6 week old newborn in a daycare center or with a friend or family member to rush back to work. In fact, I've been so lucky, that until this past month I haven't had to leave her for more than a few hours at a time and she's almost 20 months now. I can only imagine how difficult it must be to do that and know you have no choice.

My point is that for centuries before the Industrial Revolution most babies stayed with their mothers. Period. The strong bond that forms between a mother and her child is the root of the child's self confidence. This is where we get our first feedback about our value as a human being. I'm not saying it isn't possible to still foster a strong bond and instill self confidence, but it must make our job as mothers so much more difficult if we are away from our children most of the day and exhausted from work and still have oodles to accomplish in the form of housework and bill paying. I think most mothers would agree that being a mother is our first job, but sometimes in order to do that job, we must first tend to our other responsibilities.

When I think about this so many questions run through my head. What if we're supposed to be with our mothers for the first few years without too much interruption? What if generations of us are slightly less confident because of the pressure our mothers felt to work caused them to separate from us. Within the past almost two years of being a parent I've heard this separation framed as being good for the child because it fosters independence. But I know that my child feels secure because I'm around consistently. What if all our insecurities are rooted in our early separation from our mothers?

The truth is, all these "what ifs" just lead to anxiety attacks and mommy guilt. The way I see it is, if you have to work then all you can do is make sure the time you do have with your child is quality time. Even if it's only 30 minutes to get them fed and to bed. Turn off the TV and talk to your child. Read to them. Do the best you can to make even a small portion of your day solely about them and let them know they are special to you. These daily reassurances are what build their self-esteem, especially when they come from you. Remember, you're awesome until they're preteens! Then you're an embarrassment. ;) So take advantage while you're cool and your opinion really matters to let them know you think they're cool, too.