Society's Push for Infant and Toddler Independence

We rush around in our society from one activity to the next, barely stopping to breathe. As we have children, we pull them into this same rushing pattern whether we want to or not. With so many families where both parents must work, most children go to daycare by the time they're 6 weeks and spend most of their time with relative strangers. For those of us lucky enough to have friends or family nearby with free time, our children at least have a consistent caregiver. (I promise it's not as consistent as you think it is in a daycare.) This has become the norm, for babies to be separated from their mother for most of the waking hours of the day. Our society pushes infants and toddlers to be comfortable with this. I have to wonder if this is really healthy for the child or the mother.

I'm not saying some time apart is bad. I'm also not saying a mother who must work should feel bad for leaving her child. She's doing what she has to in order to provide for her child. I applaud her. I luckily did not have to leave my 6 week old newborn in a daycare center or with a friend or family member to rush back to work. In fact, I've been so lucky, that until this past month I haven't had to leave her for more than a few hours at a time and she's almost 20 months now. I can only imagine how difficult it must be to do that and know you have no choice.

My point is that for centuries before the Industrial Revolution most babies stayed with their mothers. Period. The strong bond that forms between a mother and her child is the root of the child's self confidence. This is where we get our first feedback about our value as a human being. I'm not saying it isn't possible to still foster a strong bond and instill self confidence, but it must make our job as mothers so much more difficult if we are away from our children most of the day and exhausted from work and still have oodles to accomplish in the form of housework and bill paying. I think most mothers would agree that being a mother is our first job, but sometimes in order to do that job, we must first tend to our other responsibilities.

When I think about this so many questions run through my head. What if we're supposed to be with our mothers for the first few years without too much interruption? What if generations of us are slightly less confident because of the pressure our mothers felt to work caused them to separate from us. Within the past almost two years of being a parent I've heard this separation framed as being good for the child because it fosters independence. But I know that my child feels secure because I'm around consistently. What if all our insecurities are rooted in our early separation from our mothers?

The truth is, all these "what ifs" just lead to anxiety attacks and mommy guilt. The way I see it is, if you have to work then all you can do is make sure the time you do have with your child is quality time. Even if it's only 30 minutes to get them fed and to bed. Turn off the TV and talk to your child. Read to them. Do the best you can to make even a small portion of your day solely about them and let them know they are special to you. These daily reassurances are what build their self-esteem, especially when they come from you. Remember, you're awesome until they're preteens! Then you're an embarrassment. ;) So take advantage while you're cool and your opinion really matters to let them know you think they're cool, too.

Family Planning

I was discussing with a good friend the dilemma of planning when to have children the other day. He said he and his wife had concluded that there really is no good time to have children. I have to agree. The truth is, children completely disrupt your life, even just one. I'm not saying it's not totally worth it, but there are sacrifices that must be made whether you're wealthy or not. You have to realize that many of the things you thought were important will not seem so important after your baby arrives and you will let them fall to the wayside.

I've also noticed that even when people think they're in a good position to have a child, once the baby is in the belly something happens that throws that whole "being ready" and "good timing" thing right out the window. My point is, whether the child is planned in good circumstances or a surprise with not so great timing, you adapt. Families come together and help, or friends do. It might suck to have to swallow your pride and accept the help, but once you're a parent you realize you'll do anything for your child, including swallowing your pride.

I'm not saying that everyone out there should just go to having babies. There is something to be said for being emotionally ready and financially stable before bringing new life into the world. That said, I don't think anyone can be completely ready, because you don't know what you're getting into until it happens. Being a parent is something you can't truly understand from the outside.

So if you're planning on having kids, strive for financial stability, being an appropriate age (definitely out of your teens), and emotional readiness and do it when it feels right. It's totally worth it. If you wait til everything's perfect, you probably won't be having kids.

Image taken by Mandi Cook.